It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize