i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
