Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
