go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
