Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
