I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
