It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
