remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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