I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Randomize
