apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
