The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
It's just like the Real World with babies
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
