a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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