I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
