after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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