I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
