you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
