I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
