I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
