So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
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