you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
