I think i sorta joined a cult last night
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
