I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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