everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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