is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
