I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
