he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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