After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
