I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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