I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
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