Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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