ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
