Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
