My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
