seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
