the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
