You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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