i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
