I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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