Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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