i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
