At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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