I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
