I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
