hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
