Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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