My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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