I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
