We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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