You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
You left your phone here
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