Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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