it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
