remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
