Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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