saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
