It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
