I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
